The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.
Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They're all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.
Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That's scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can't work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?
Conan
For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they're not allowed to drive.
Late Show With David Letterman
The subways here in New York City now have wi-fi. I love it because now in the morning on my way to work I can check my e-hate mail.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things — a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, "But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice."
Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot — in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.
Late Night Jokes from Newsmax
Santa Fe New Mexican - The U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding the federal health care law Thursday came with another surprise tucked inside: States suddenly can decide whether or not to expand Medicaid, a government low-income health insurance program. Medicaid has a major footprint in New Mexico. It covers one in four New Mexicans to the tune of just under $1 billion in state dollars, or 16 percent of the state budget. The federal government picks up most of New Mexico’s Medicaid tab, which totals $3.8 billion. But here’s the rub. Before Thursday, the federal law contained a provision punishing states that didn’t expand Medicaid, beginning in 2014. States not expanding the program faced the potential of losing all Medicaid funding from Washington. Thursday’s Supreme Court ruling stripped that punitive measure from the law, suddenly releasing states from that huge financial threat. Gov. Susana Martinez’s administration on Thursday was still digesting Thursday’s ruling and couldn’t say what it would decide to push for — a full-scale expansion of Medicaid, as called for under the law, or something else. Read More News New Mexico
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