© 2017 Michael Swickard, Ph.D. “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham “Honest Abe” Lincoln
I won’t lie to you, I do lie. Michael Swickard is a big fat liar. Well, I am big and no one calls me my nickname of “Slim” any longer without laughter.
This year my resolution is that I am going to cut out lying. It is such a habit for me to lie. Sometimes it seems the only thing I can do. Often the people that I am dealing with know that I am lying and they prefer a lie.
Example: I am at the hospital for a routine blood test. Every time I go I must start from scratch. I was born as a small child at Holloman Air Force Base August 24, 1950 at 11:35 a.m. in delivery room B. Yep, we get all the paperwork out there with my numbers and names which are always photocopied again. Then the lie.
I am given my paperwork to read and either initial where indicated showing that I read that paragraph or at the bottom of some pages to sign and date to show I read it all. What a liar I am. I rapidly scribble my initials and sign the bottom of the many pages and hand the packet back.
The counter person always sees I didn’t read anything but doesn’t rat me out for being the liar that I am.
Same at Comcast and Verizon. I am handed a couple pounds of paperwork and told to read and sign it. I am done in less than a minute. The representative doesn’t blink that I read lightning fast and, get this, I understood what I had read before I initialed and signed the many sheets of paper.
This is a quandary for me because I hate lying. As I grew up, lying was a real offense. Get caught lying and the day turned sour. While there were three of us kids, my mother seemed to know which one of us was not telling the truth.
One time I told my rehearsed lie and my mother said, “Michael, that is a lie. I can see it on your forehead. The next time I told a lie, I held my hand over my forehead and she still saw through it though she turned to my father and said, “He gets that from your side of the family.”
Incidentally, she could see through both hands and a cap. And there were severe consequences for not telling the truth. So, in my family we were plain-spoken and just said what the truth was without trying to hide it. The punishment for doing wrong was much better than the punishment for doing wrong and lying about it.
This is why it pains me to tell such big lies about actually reading the paperwork that I was supposed to read. Therefore, this year I am turning over a new leaf and when I must initial and sign paperwork I swear I will read it. All of it. You have my word on this.
I intend to pack a lunch and drink whenever I go to places that have those many pages of lawyer words that are supposed to be signed. You have seen the documents that read: … the party of the first part with the party of the second part and the party of the first part with the party of the second part with the party of the first part and second part blah blah blah.
Perhaps I should take a pillow also since that puts me to sleep. I know if anyone really understands those words, some lawyer will get fired since they are not meant to be understood. And the terms on the paper are not negotiable even if you somehow understand them.
Further, I promise to not repost hoax news. This will be a snap because I can look stuff up easily. You have my word on this to only post what I know is true. I will forego political sites since lying and politics are bedfellows.
I’ll let you know how the counter workers handle me spending hours reading every last word.