Swickard: Funny is all around us

© 2017 Michael Swickard, Ph.D.  “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” Peter Ustinov

             No matter where I am I find funny things all around me. While I have a serious side, it’s connected to my comedy side. I should have a sign on the back of my head, “Clown on board.”

            At the hospital for a blood test I was asked, “When and where were you born?” I answered, “I was born August 24, 1950 at 11:35 a.m. in Delivery Room B, Holloman Air Force Base Hospital with Capitan Wilbur Anderson attending.” Yep, they looked up.

            I find so much funny day to day. Example: one day when I was doing talk radio I found a newspaper story that workers at the Federal Mint were striking. I read the headline, “Union workers at the Federal Mint strike demanding to make less money.”

            My motto is: blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. At a Sonic, there was a gap of time between when I pushed the button and the order taker answered. She said, “Sorry for the wait…” I immediately said, “I’m not sorry, I got this extra weight here and enjoyed every bite of it.”

            The order takers said, “What?” I replied, “Never mind.”

            I love two story buildings with an elevator. When someone walks in I ask, “Which floor?” They look confused and say, “Two.” I punch the button and reply, “Good choice.”

            I have always admired cartoonists so much so that many years ago I started a cartoon strip and actually got one newspaper to carry it. The name was: In The Dark. All that was shown was the talking bubbles on a dark background. The dialog was funny such as: Why are the classroom lights off… budget cuts… what are we studying? The Dark Ages.

            Several months into the run the newspaper editor asked me, “What do your characters look like?” I replied, “They look like they are standing in the dark.

            He got a puzzled look on his face and asked, “You don’t know how to draw, do you?” I smiled, “Not even a stick figure so that’s why they are in the dark.” Go figure, he cancelled the strip and called it the stupidest thing he had ever seen. Perhaps it was, but I can put cartoonist on my writing credits.

            A couple of sayings: Doing it the hard way is always easier. And, easy money is always the hardest. Lead me not into temptation… I can find it myself. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

            There was a question sent to some electrical workers in a neighborhood after a resident called management to report that they were cursing. The reply was, “Me and Amos was climbing up a pole when Amos dropped all his tools on my head so I said to him ‘Please be more careful’ or words to that effect.” I find that funny. 

Email: drswickard@comcast.net - Swickard’s novel, Hideaway Hills,is available at Amazon.com 

The NMSU Aggie Football team was on a 17 game losing streak

Swickard: Funny is all around us

Swickard: The smoking hot days of summer

© 2017 Michael Swickard, Ph.D.   For some of our fellow residents here in New Mexico there has been surprise that the daytime temperatures have suddenly been in the triple digits. And it is real dry here, too.

            The answer is simple: New Mexico has been in a drought for 280 million years, come next August so it should not come as a surprise, but it does for many of our residents.

            Newcomers can be excused because they have not lived somewhere that the seatbelt buckle in their car can be used as a branding iron if it was in the sun. And coins left on the seat of the car will leave an impression if they are in the sun. People bump their heads on the inside car roof when the pain travels from posterior to head.

            But these last few days people have been talking incessantly about the triple digit heat in New Mexico and other states. Entertainer George Burns was asked, “George, how is your wife?” He answered, “Compared to what?” That’s the answer for the heat wave.

            Some say wryly, “It’s a dry heat.” New Mexico is less noteworthy than Phoenix where 120 degrees is their fate. And that temperature in Phoenix doesn’t warrant more than a passing notice by their news media. “We see here where a highway has melted, details at six.”

            What to do here in New Mexico when it is broiling hot? We can prepare a couple pans of cookies to bake on the dash of the car which has two values: you get cookies and it functions as a car air freshener.

            Obviously, we should stay in a cool place and not be out mowing the lawn. Well, I say obviously because some New Mexicans are out mowing the lawn in the heat and with the sweat pouring off of them they ask, “Hot enough for ya?”

            Mostly what I have noticed these last few days is the look of surprise that somehow it got this hot. It does pretty much every year but the last time was about one year ago. We need to do something about that short-term memory loss, eh?

            It is similar to when the New Mexico winds start in March which they do start every March around these parts. People look surprised that parts of Arizona are moving to Texas by air over around and through us. It does so every year.

            What to do? Enjoy the scenic New Mexico vistas, even if they are hot. And enjoy the taste of hot green chile. Not the garbage from New York City, but real New Mexico Green Chile that announced its presence with authority.

            Remember, we are a friendly people so don’t be troubled that we wave hello in our car. We’re just being friendly.

            Likewise, we are averse to anyone telling us how they did things back where they came from. Just suggest whatever without mentioning back home. Especially, don’t tell us how hot it is back home, you are here now.

 Email: drswickard@comcast.net - Swickard’s novel, Hideaway Hills,is available at Amazon.com 

Swickard: The smoking hot days of summer

Swickard: Use lottery to fund math education

© 2017 Michael Swickard, Ph.D.  Surveys on American saving and investing indicates many Americans have no investments. Their plan for old age is to win the lottery. While I agree: “No dreamer too small, no dream too big,” there are limits to what society should encourage.

            People who understand math do not believe in the lottery. It’s like someone jumping out of an airplane without a parachute with the intention of landing on something soft. An action slightly possible but not probable.

            The New Mexico Lottery, under the guise of raising money for education, preys upon math challenged people. The ads suggest riches will shower down if you buy a lottery ticket.

            The proceeds from this tax on people who don’t understand math does go to education. However, it goes to general education, in fact, anything students wants to study. The tobacco settlement has the tobacco companies funding anti-smoking campaigns.

            Likewise, the New Mexico Lottery should go directly and entirely to math education. Every dollar should be channeled to making New Mexico students the envy of the nation when it comes to math.

            The first time I voiced this position I admit I was just trying to get a rise out of people, which I did. Upon reflection, I believe I stumbled onto something. If people can buy lottery tickets with the expectation of winning, they are showing their lack of math education.

             We should take their lack of numerate ability and use it constructively so that future generations don’t end up in the same condition. That’s the tobacco settlement method and it applies to people who lack numerate ability to the point that they think buying two lottery tickets significantly improves their chances of winning.

            The operational concept most lacking in people who are not numerate appears to be the ability to think in scale, to judge two things as they relate to each other in mathematical terms. People can buy a lottery ticket occasionally if the mood strikes. But at those odds, don’t expect anything but dreams.

            Once I was flying out of Chicago on a commercial airliner. We were on the ground in a long line of jets waiting to take off. The man next to me confessed that he was petrified of flying but had to make this trip.

            I pointed out the window. “There are over a hundred jets ready to take off just right here. Thousands of airplanes are in the air.”

            “Gosh,” he said, “I hope we don’t run into any of them.”

            I continued, “The scale of airline dysfunction (I didn’t want to use the word ‘crash’) is about one plane in two million flights. Not bad odds.”

            The guy next to me brightened slightly. “But what if this airplane is the one in two million?” he questioned.

            “Then whoever has a window seat gets a good look at it coming.” That sent him back into gloom. I forgot to ask if he had a lottery ticket, but I bet he did. He needed some math education.

 Email: drswickard@comcast.net - Swickard’s novel, Hideaway Hills,is available at Amazon.com 

Swickard: Use lottery to fund math education

Swickard: Harming students with summer vacation

© 2017 Michael Swickard, Ph.D.   If we know allowing academic skills to go unused causes those skills to atrophy, why have three-month summer vacations in public schools? And, why is there the notion that after high school graduation people don’t need to use their academic skills to retain them?

            The reason some high school graduates cannot read, write coherently or do math to an adequate level is not because they haven’t been taught these skills. Rather, it is that the students have allowed their academic skills to degenerate by not using those skills.

            The students are victims of the gap between being able to use a skill and the subsequent loss of the skill. If a skill such as writing or math is not used in a certain amount of time it will be lost. Some lose their skills slowly, but everyone will lose their skills if enough time passes without the skills being used.

            Summer vacations are harmful to students since most do not continue to use their academic skills, in fact, most do not open a book the entire vacation. When the students come back to school, the first two months are getting back to where the students were before the summer vacation. What a waste of academic time.

            The benefits of three months off are: janitors can leisurely wax floors, teachers get summer jobs or return to college and parents can send the kids to relatives. Students work on their tans, play video games late at night and sleep until noon.

            The three months off looks like everyone gets what they want. In the short term that is true, but the tragedy is that in the long term, students are short changed their proper education by these summer vacations.

            At high school graduation, students are told in glowing terms that they have achieved a great wisdom. They are finished developing their skills and no longer have to use these skills regularly. Many high school graduates believe those graduation speeches.

            The truth is they will achieve wisdom when their kids graduate from high school and not before. Their high school skills have a shelf life, like bread has a shelf life. They must use the skills regularly to retain those skills. If, at age twenty-five, the former students lack skills, most often these skills were lost from lack of use rather than never having been developed.

            Students must use their academic skills during their days in school and during the rest of their life. Summer vacations are one of the biggest threats to their ability to progress in school. It isn’t the vacation per se that harms the student, it is any time that months pass without the person using their academic skills.

            When that happens some people ask, “Why didn’t those darn schools teach them anything?” The answer doesn’t matter. Whether they had those academic skills and then lost them for lack of use or never had those skills, it’s all the same in the end.

            They do not have those skills.

 Email: drswickard@comcast.net - Swickard’s novel, Hideaway Hills,is available at Amazon.com 

Swickard: Harming students with summer vacation