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| Michael and Conrad |
Twice in the last week I had an out-of-brain experience that has left me quite brainless. First there was a “free” coupon I received for a fountain drink. I like the concept of something for free, be it a free people or a free soda. But when I presented the “free” coupon to the clerk, things did not go as I had anticipated. The clerk said it would be cheaper for me if I did not use the “free” coupon. This great nugget of wisdom was repeated to me. The clerk indulged me since I was so slow of a thinker. I watched the words come out of the clerk’s mouth. Yes, the clerk said if I bought a soda it would be cheaper than if I got it for free. I had trouble understanding how I could be hearing that the free soda drink was cheaper if I bought it instead of using the free coupon. The education system left either me or the clerk with a problem.
As much as I knew the folly of attempting to do so, I tried to use logic to reason with the clerk. I casually mentioned that in my book free usually means it costs nothing. After a few minutes, deep in the valley of stupid, I finally took my free drink coupon back and bought the drink at the regular price so that I could in theory save money. A visit to a doctor. Well, I thought to myself, it is only a couple of bucks and I got the “Stupid moment of the week” out of the way and could look forward to the rest of the week in the valley of not so stupid. But it was not to be. Just a few days later I had an even worse time dealing with the cost of a visit to a doctor.
It all started when I received a bill from a neighborhood Quick Doctor establishment where I had gone one Saturday. At the time I was for sure in the hurt locker due to a terrible sinus infection and did not want to wait until Monday. I knew from experience that these places handled those kinds of problems well. When I did not have insurance, the cost per visit was less than $100, which was a deal. In fact, at this place the cost for a walk-in sick person without insurance was $88 plus tax. I assumed, incorrectly, that I would be billed between $95 and nothing depending on my insurance policy, which I had just gotten a couple of weeks earlier. However, the bill I received from this place said the charge was $264, of which my medical insurance paid $138, thus leaving me a balance of $126 to pay.
Too much sense. I know I was guilty of trying to use logic in public for a second time that week but I tried to get my brain around those two numbers. The conversation I had with the bookkeeper about the bill was long and convoluted. No matter how much I tried to steer the conversation to what seemed to me to be the core issues, I could not get past the fact that if I have medical insurance, it costs me more money than if I had no insurance at all. To the voice on the other end of the phone I correctly pointed out that if I did not have insurance the whole price was $95, but now I owed $126 after my insurance company paid $138. 
This was acknowledged to be true. I know I am repeating myself in this column because I repeated those numbers a number of times to the person on the other end of the phone, to no avail. “Mr. Swickard,” I was told, “The reason you have to pay more money is because you bought insurance.” I asked if I could just pay the $95 and was told no, that would be fraud since I had insurance. But I was no more or less sick because of my insurance. Nor did I take more time. Why not just ask me for $95? Because that would make too much sense deep in the valley of stupid.
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